I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
