oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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