You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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