FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
