Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
