I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
