He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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