I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
