I hate your face
I'm so fucking centered right now
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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