I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
