we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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