you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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