I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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