i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
