Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
