I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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