Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
