she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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