Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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