sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
