8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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