my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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