Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize
