Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
