I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
