just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
