My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
