im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
