Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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