I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
