why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
