Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
