I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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