Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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