I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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