I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
