did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
