whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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