I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize