My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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