the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
