Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
