Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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