Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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