She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
