So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
