hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
