Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
