Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
