I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
We need to rekindle our bromance
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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