How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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