When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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