whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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